The World when You’re Younger VS The World when you grow up ( Eventually)

by zaharatalshami

When I was a little girl, my dreams were a little bit different than my Sister’s or my Friends. I didn’t dream of Fairy Tales or a Big White Wedding Dress. I knew that my life was gonna be different and that I was gonna have to ride solo with Allah by my side. As a Teenager , it wasn’t that much easier I was teased and bullied not just because I had a mild form of Cerebral Palsy , but because I had a religion and culture that I had to abide by. I was stuffed in lockers and rocks being thrown at by females ( It was during the intifada they were confused that I wasn’t Palestinian , but Arab). Their verbal abuse of ” No boy is gonna ever like you , I doubt you’ll be married” it hurt , but I never knew what Naseeb , Qadar or Makhtoob was until I got older. In my early 20’s , I struggled with depression and what I call ‘Cultural Anxiety’ I am also of mixed race so it was hard for me to balance both worlds. At the time my Sister was Engaged which ultimiatley ended. Once about 10 years ago when she finally gotten married , I let it go. At the age of 22 I had my Infatuation phase , that quickly dissapated. I then had  a terrible crush on a best friend that turned out to be a friendzone well it happend twice both are now married and one has a child. I Finally decided to live my life and go back to school after I went to Libya in 2012 it wasn’t easy being around a society that focused on Marriage and Family when u yourself cannot have any of those things. It’s hard to remain positive and accepting Allah’s final decree but this is what he wants for me and maybe I was better without those things. When I got my 1st heartbreak it was a stab to the chest. I felt like I had done something wrong as u know , Pre Marital Relations are Forbidden , but I am gonna let Allah judge me for it. I realized when it ended that we weren’t right for one another and I had often worried that maybe I won’t ever find someone who would love me as much as I loved them. I realized I am OK with being alone and I am OK with being just Friends with people and knowing it may never turned into an ever lasting love. I think Girls watch movies and think its real it’s not , Relationships are hard as Bricks and sometimes staying together is something both people are not mutually exclusive  to.  So I’m starting from scratch living my life & going to school so I can suppoort myself and my immediate family and wait to see what my other different path leads to. I wish older generation wouldn’t be so hard and glamourize marriage to these young girls. There’s nothing wrong with having a career and being alone for the rest of your life this is what Allah’s plan for us is , than u should respect that and respect the fact that it’s none of your business as to why we didn’t find our Nasayib. InshAllah I hope that in Jannah I get to meet the Love of my Life , My Best Friend. For now it’s all about living my life and making money . Hoping nice girls like me following suit.  Until next time  Peace!